Just when you get too comfortable...

Its been almost 2 years since my last post (1 year, 10 months). I really don't know where to begin or how to start. First there was a dropping off of meetings, no sponsor, flirting with gambling, dancers and a bad boy life style that needed money. Then playing with and doing business with a shadier side of society. All under our noses because we dared not think it would happen and when we pulled the plug on support, he showed us he could survive on his own doing all the things we warned him about. We sat and waited for the phone call we knew was inevitable. And it came from a distant place and he was in trouble with the law and needed help. We said we would help only if he sought help and went into treatment, and an angel arrived and he was accepted into treatment at Beit T'Shuvah 6 months ago. He is now out and working at a sober living, going to meetings and planning for his future. He still has to settle up with society for what he was caught doing, but he is facing that with resolve, for this too shall pass.

Its prophetic that Cody's first tattoo was in Hebrew and it said, "this too shall pass". His second tattoo was a calligraphic "Choices" when read one way and "Destiny" when read in the oppsite direction. How fitting for all that has transpired.

Do you want to improve the world?
I don't think it can be done.

The world is sacred.
It can't be improved.
If you tamper with it, you'll ruin it.
If you treat it like an object, you'll lose it.

There is a time for being ahead,
a time for being behind;
a time for being in motion,
a time for being at rest;
a time for being vigorous,
a time for being exhausted;
a time for being safe,
a time for being in danger.

The Master sees things as they are,
without trying to control them.
She lets them go their own way,
and resides at the center of the circle

Two Years Sober

Two years of sobriety and continuing with college and working helping teens in a residential rehab; thats amazing. On top of that he has started a business with friends creating music and with the help of a friend's parents is learning the business. I couldn't have hoped for more for him and I am sure he sees no limit to what he can try and succeed at.

My wife and I are out visiting him during this glorious occassion and while I sit back and find myself very pleased with life, I am a bit sad because my son is pursuing his dreams and there does not seem to be time for me. I know that's selfish and it troubles me, but I don't let it get the best of me. My selfishness and the fact that whenever I have visited these last few months there is less and less time we spend together is not really a problem but a sign of having a maturing son. I think back and realize it was the same with my father. When he could spend the time I was rarely available...I was following my dream. Its funny how things turn out this way; like father like son like father like son. It's the Harry Chapin song "Cats in the Cradle"and I also realize in another vein, that the Tao has a passage that strikes a chord within me.

Therefore the Master acts without doing anything

And teaches without saying anything.

Things arise and he lets them come;

Things disappear and he lets them go.

He has but doesn't possess, acts but doesn't expect.

When his work is done, he forgets it.

That is why it lasts forever.

I want to be that Master and in the deepest reaches of my being, perhaps I've always been there.

Finding yourself a safe harbour

Its been over 2 months since my last post. Cody continues on his path, meeting challenges with with patience and quick resolve. He is about to finish his second semester at SMC and recently received a perfect grade on his term paper. His friendships continue to change and it seems that he continually is reminded how fragile recovery is and how shallow addicts are in their relationships. We encourage him to not get caught up in others dramas and he understands. He understands and can see the paths that can be taken and chooses the ones that strengthen his resolve.
The Visions Program has hired him as a tech, working both day and night shifts monitoring the activities of other teens in recovery. He understands their plight and he serves as an example of what can be achieved. We are very proud of what he has achieved and the life he is making for himself. Two years ago we were all consumed with his addiction and were beginning to understand the problem was just not teen angst, but a serious life situation. Despite his running away, the overdose death of his best friend and troubles in school and elsewhere, we still believed that it was not serious enough to put him in a program. Looking back I could say we were blind to not have noticed how serious it all was but as time has passed I can now say we were reluctant to accept that our son had a problem. After all, he was our son and only others had issues. We raised him with a moral compass and provided with all the love and care he needed and then some. We taught him right from wrong and saw he was empathetic and had many friends. We spoke about drugs from an early age and monitored his activities. How could this have happened?
Two years have passed. He graduated from high school and is in college. He has a great job and continually turns life's depressing episodes into opportunities to do better and help others. Time changes everything. The only thing that really exists at the moment is now. Everything else is just a memory or a hope.

When people see some things as beautiful,
other things become ugly.
When people see some things as good,
other things become bad.

Being and non-being create each other.
Difficult and easy support each other.
Long and short define each other.
High and low depend on each other.
Before and after follow each other.

Therefore the Master
acts without doing anything
and teaches without saying anything.
Things arise and he lets them come;
things disappear and she lets them go.
He has but doesn't possess,
acts but doesn't expect.
When his work is done, he forgets it.
That is why it lasts forever.

A new book about a father's journey through his son's addiction

I just finished David Sheff's book, "beautiful boy". I read it non-stop and was amazed at how familiar his experience has been to me and to others whom I have heard similar stories. It's like we are all living the same life when you have an addicted teen.

When Cody was using, we went through the same kinds of experiences and emotions. Funny, how everything can remind you of bad things to come and how you await phone calls you know will bring bad or discouraging news. Last weekend, a day after his birthday, Cody's legal issues resurfaced and we had to immediately fly him home and then to Florida to begin the process of addressing his past actions. It's very hard for me to see this as Cody has done so well and I am fearful that this stress will tip him over in a bad way. I feel for Cody and how he is straightening out his life and how impossible all of this seems. I tell myself to take it one day at a time. I tell to take it one day at a time. He reads the Big Book, and I know that helps him. I tell him not to worry it will all work out. He has done the right thing in all of this and I am proud of how he has accepted responsibility; but inside I am crying, he's still my little boy and I cannot protect him or shield him from everything unpleasant however traumatic it may be.

Today I speak with him and he has reaffirmed that he got a new sponsor. He sounds happy and excited. He also continued in his training for the San Francisco AIDS Marathon, where he will run with his sister and her boyfriend. This morning he finished a 7 mile training leg in preparation for it. He asks what I think will happen and how it all will work out. I give him encouragement and ask him to speak with his new sponsor. Coincidently or by fate, he is currently working on his 9th step and while he has made amends to the many that were on his list, the legal issue still looms as large as ever...its almost like he won't get through the 9th step until this is resolved. I pray for him to be strong and hold it together. And then I remember the Taoist story of the farmer who lost his horse, and realize more and more what is unfolding.

A man who lived on the northern frontier of China was skilled in interpreting events. One day, for no reason, his horse ran away to the nomads across the border. Everyone tried to console him, but his father said, "What makes you so sure this isn't a blessing?" Some months later his horse returned, bringing a splendid nomad stallion. Everyone congratulated him, but his father said, "What makes you so sure this isn't a disaster?" Their household was richer by a fine horse, which his son loved to ride. One day he fell and broke his hip. Everyone tried to console him, but his father said, "What makes you so sure this isn't a blessing?"

A year later the nomads came in force across the border, and every able-bodied man took his bow and went into battle. The Chinese frontiersmen lost nine of every ten men. Only because the son was lame did the father and son survive to take care of each other. Truly, blessing turns to disaster, and disaster to blessing: the changes have no end, nor can the mystery be fathomed.

The Lost Horse,
Chinese Folktale.

As told by Ellen J. Langer, in" The Power of Mindful Learning," Reading, Mass: Addison-Wesley, page 99-100. (1997

A Promise....Fishing for Marlin in Cabo

I promised Cody I would take him and a friend to Cabo to go fishing and ATV riding. Cody always loved fishing from when he was very young. At our home along the Chattahoochee River in Atlanta, Cody would go out alone in the afternoon and catch several trout. He learned how to clean and cook the fish. I was very proud of him just for the simple knowledge that when you give a man a fish you feed him for a day BUT when you teach a man to fish and you feed him for a life time. I don't think I will ever have to worry about him going hungry (as long as he's near water).

I have to say I was a bit apprehensive given the party nature of the area, but Cody and his friend have both been sober for more than a year (Steve, almost 3 years), and I decided not to worry about their behaviors. We took the trip in late January and caught fish as well as had an adventure in the off roads north of Cabo.

Cody and his friend Steve visited the night spots and instead of alcohol and weed, they substituted Red Bull and cigarettes...no kidding. Their first night out they met an older couple in a night club who befriended them. Late in the evening the woman became more and more drunk, slipped and fell and became belligerent. Cody and Steve left but saw first hand again how drinking can change some people and it wasn't pretty. The next night we all went out together and believe it or not, they were back to the condo before I was. I was pleased with that.
We went fishing and caught 1 Mahi and 2 stripped marlin...one was 8 ft and 145 lbs...the other about 7 ft and about 120 lbs. The larger one took all three of us taking turns for almost an hour to successfully real it in. The other jumped so much its enery was spent in about 20 minutes and it was reeled in also.

Off road ATV's were fun and we explored the desert and sped along the arroyo's and a large beach with dune and hills. The boys had a blast. And so did I.

The best of man is like water,
Which benefits all things, and does not contend with them,
Which flows in places that others disdain,
Where it is in harmony with the Way.

So the sage:
Lives within nature,
Thinks within the deep,
Gives within impartiality,
Speaks within trust,
Governs within order,
Crafts within ability,
Acts within opportunity.

He does not contend, and none contend against him.

Another Milestone and Opportunities for the New Year

That's Cody, with is sister Brittany and cousins Jessica and Colton. What a difference a year makes! Cody will be reaching his one year anniversary for his OP program (and 16 months in sobriety)

Cody has finished his first semester at SMC and continues to work at Starbucks. He will start his spring semester in February of this year.

While all is well with Cody, 3 of his friends have suffered setbacks, including his roommate, during the Christmas. Two of them have now settled back and are continuing with their programs, while his roommate is still unsure he wants to remain sober. Given the circumstances and the agreement we had with all parties, his roommate was asked to move out and Cody will be looking for another place and roommate. Despite the circumstances, he is upbeat and looking forward to taking a vacation trip with me this month. He remains friends with all 3 and hopes they will follow in the path of recovery.
We are all happy taking it one day at a time. Today I added "and Recovery" to the name of this Blog.

Failure is an opportunity.
If you blame someone else,
there is no end to the blame.

Therefore the Master
fulfills his own obligations
and corrects his own mistakes.
He does what is needed
and demands nothing of others.

Approaching a year and the goodness of life

Its been about 7 weeks since I last posted an update. Cody will be sober one year, September 11th. It will be a milestone, and one that will certainly give him a sense of pride and accomplishment, for he has truly come a long way.

Cody and his friends attended the ICYPAA convention in LA last week. While there, a friend found a wallet containing a lot of money and the owners credit cards and license. He brought it to Cody and asked what to do. Cody said they should give it back to the owner, and went to Security, but Security was not helpful and the boys also thought that might be risky, so they decided to go to the front desk manager. While they were on their way to the front desk, Cody recognized the face on the license in the crowd of people there, and approached the man who was the owner. He showed him the wallet. Needless to say the person, who worked there was very happy and thanked Cody profusely, sending a fruit basket to his room, and paying for some of the expense at the hotel. This was definitely a good deed, and everyone felt good about it. When someone asked Cody what he might have done a year ago, well Cody smiled and said he would have emptied it of the money to feed his drug habit.

The past year has been quite a hurdle for all of us. We relocated our home and our dogs to be with Cody as he began his outpatient therapy in January. This was after 4 plus months of residential treatment at Visions, which included a side trip though Wilderness Quest. In the last 8 months we have seen Cody gain the confidence and strength to begin a new sober life, finish high school and move on to begin college. He now works at Starbucks, which is near the apartment he will be sharing with a friend from the program. We will be returning to Georgia, but keeping a small apartment here so we have a place when we come to visit...who knows, we might move here permanently. We are very excited for Cody and for the opportunities that lie ahead for all of us.

If you offer music and food
Strangers may stop with you;
But if you accord with the Way
All the people of the world will keep you
In safety, health, community, and peace.

The Way lacks art and flavour;
It can neither be seen nor heard,
But its benefit cannot be exhausted.