I just finished David Sheff's book, "beautiful boy". I read it non-stop and was amazed at how familiar his experience has been to me and to others whom I have heard similar stories. It's like we are all living the same life when you have an addicted teen.
When Cody was using, we went through the same kinds of experiences and emotions. Funny, how everything can remind you of bad things to come and how you await phone calls you know will bring bad or discouraging news. Last weekend, a day after his birthday, Cody's legal issues resurfaced and we had to immediately fly him home and then to Florida to begin the process of addressing his past actions. It's very hard for me to see this as Cody has done so well and I am fearful that this stress will tip him over in a bad way. I feel for Cody and how he is straightening out his life and how impossible all of this seems. I tell myself to take it one day at a time. I tell to take it one day at a time. He reads the Big Book, and I know that helps him. I tell him not to worry it will all work out. He has done the right thing in all of this and I am proud of how he has accepted responsibility; but inside I am crying, he's still my little boy and I cannot protect him or shield him from everything unpleasant however traumatic it may be.
Today I speak with him and he has reaffirmed that he got a new sponsor. He sounds happy and excited. He also continued in his training for the San Francisco AIDS Marathon, where he will run with his sister and her boyfriend. This morning he finished a 7 mile training leg in preparation for it. He asks what I think will happen and how it all will work out. I give him encouragement and ask him to speak with his new sponsor. Coincidently or by fate, he is currently working on his 9th step and while he has made amends to the many that were on his list, the legal issue still looms as large as ever...its almost like he won't get through the 9th step until this is resolved. I pray for him to be strong and hold it together. And then I remember the Taoist story of the farmer who lost his horse, and realize more and more what is unfolding.
A man who lived on the northern frontier of China was skilled in interpreting events. One day, for no reason, his horse ran away to the nomads across the border. Everyone tried to console him, but his father said, "What makes you so sure this isn't a blessing?" Some months later his horse returned, bringing a splendid nomad stallion. Everyone congratulated him, but his father said, "What makes you so sure this isn't a disaster?" Their household was richer by a fine horse, which his son loved to ride. One day he fell and broke his hip. Everyone tried to console him, but his father said, "What makes you so sure this isn't a blessing?"
A year later the nomads came in force across the border, and every able-bodied man took his bow and went into battle. The Chinese frontiersmen lost nine of every ten men. Only because the son was lame did the father and son survive to take care of each other. Truly, blessing turns to disaster, and disaster to blessing: the changes have no end, nor can the mystery be fathomed.
The Lost Horse,
Chinese Folktale.
As told by Ellen J. Langer, in" The Power of Mindful Learning," Reading, Mass: Addison-Wesley, page 99-100. (1997
A year later the nomads came in force across the border, and every able-bodied man took his bow and went into battle. The Chinese frontiersmen lost nine of every ten men. Only because the son was lame did the father and son survive to take care of each other. Truly, blessing turns to disaster, and disaster to blessing: the changes have no end, nor can the mystery be fathomed.
The Lost Horse,
Chinese Folktale.
As told by Ellen J. Langer, in" The Power of Mindful Learning," Reading, Mass: Addison-Wesley, page 99-100. (1997
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